The Lube Fairy
by americalovesthecockpit
Summary: SHEER CRACK. England won't tell Sealand where babies come from. So America decides to troll England by telling Sealand a horrifying lie about his birth, including England getting freaky with his magical fairy friends. Why? For the lulz.


**Warning: **This contains some sexual content, but is NOT smut. It's rated M because of how fucked up it is. So I'm warning you now for its offensiveness, grossness, and sheer crack. Also includes Fairies/England (with Flying Mint Bunny/England).

Plus even though I meant it to be troll!America, it came out more as douchebag!America.

If any of this is going to bother you, please spare yourself and don't read. So don't say I didn't warn you, m'kay? Because this is your warning.

Oh, and America's POV.

X

Did you guys know that Big Ben is tilting?

True facts. It leans slightly to the northwest. I read this on the Internet, so it must be true. When I did read it, it made me do all kinds of LOL. And I knew I needed to tell England, because come on. That is hilarious.

I emailed him the article but that dick never responded. So I sent it again. And again. And even more again! But England can be quite the douche sometimes (this being one of them) and he still never emailed me back.

What was a hero to do? I packed my bags, drove to the airport, blew a couple hundred bucks on a plane ticket, got molested by security at the gate, sat on a boring flight for hours, and finally landed in London.

TOTALLY WORTH IT.

Because I was gonna rub this lulzy article right in his Brit face!

But when I got to his house, I discovered that someone had already beaten me to pissing him off! They were outside, in the garden, arguing. I hid behind the corner of the house, spying like a boss.

"You're too young!" I heard England say.

"I am not!" said some other voice.

"You're still a child. I won't have this conversation with you."

"I'm mature! I'm a real country!"

AWWWW! That other voice was ADORABLE! It reminded me of Christopher Robin. You know? That kid from Winnie the Pooh? Whose deluded hallucinations and imaginary friends were all the characters? He sounded just like that!

"Just tell me where babies come from!" he said. "I know it has something to do with a penis so don't tell me that stork rubbish anymore!"

PENIS? Did … did I just hear Christopher Robin's dear cute Britishy voice say PENIS? That just isn't right! God. Winnie the Pooh must be rolling in his grave …

"The stork is the truth!" said England, all defensively. "When a man and a woman love each other very much, a magical stork brings them a baby, and that is where they come from!"

HA! England told me the same thing when I was little. Then I asked him "So where do baby storks come from?" and he said "From adult storks" and I said "But how can they have human babies _and_ stork babies?" and he said "They just do" and I said "That doesn't make sense" and then he gave me a spanking :(

"I know that isn't true," said the cute British voice. "Because I was watching this American talk show the other day called Maury. And they had women on that show that didn't know who the father was of their baby!"

"Uh …" England sounded nervous.

"In fact, they had one woman who said it could be thirteen different men!" continued whatshisname. "They tested them all! And none were the father! So if storks only bring babies to men and women who love each other very much, how come this woman didn't even know who the father was?"

WHOA! I missed that episode. Can you imagine though? Taking a baker's dozen of dicks in such a short time span? I mean, jeez, allow enough time to get the guy before's cum outta you before the next … am I right?

"Well … um …" Yep, England was nervous. "Obviously this woman … umm … loved a lot of men very much. A-and the stork was confused. You see, uh, they have a certain way of figuring these things out, and it's not a perfect system. Every now and then … if … well … um …" Suddenly England became very pissed! "You know what? ! You've lost TV privileges for a week! It's your punishment for back-talking me!"

"What? !" said the kid. "You can't do that! You're not my mom!"

And that, boys and girls, is how I got my awesome idea.

"It doesn't matter!" said England. "Now you march your little smart arse back to your ugly fort and think about what you've done!"

I had to duck. Whatshisface was coming my way. Shoot, what _is_ his name … it's right on the tip of my tongue … Sea something …

"Bugger off!" yelled Sea-kid as he stormed away.

"Whaaa …! Watch your language, brat!"

Sea-whatever stomped his way out of the garden. He rounded the corner but didn't see me. He was being way too angry, huffing and puffing as he went down the sidewalk.

So I chased after him. I caught up at the end of the sidewalk. "Hey kid!" I called to him. "Wait up!"

"Huh?" He turned and saw me.

Oh, this was going to be hilarious! I had a totally lulzy idea to troll England. I'll teach him not to ignore my emails, hehe …

"I'll tell you where babies come from," I said proudly. "I know aaaaall about it."

Sea-something looked so happy! "You do? ! Oh, that's jolly good! Please do tell, sir!"

AWWW! ! I just loved his voice! SO CUTE! Like Tiny Tim from that Scrooge story. God what I'd do to see him limping around and say "God bless us! Every one!" Wouldn't that just be ADORABLE?

"Okay," I said, cracking up, because this was gonna be so funny. "Pop a squat."

We both sat on the curb, by the road. "I'm glad someone is finally telling me the truth," said Sea-boy. "I'm a mature, real country, and deserve to know it."

"Pfft, yeah, okay. How old are you anyway?"

"Forty-four."

"HAHA YOU LIAR!"

"But it's true -"

"It's okay. I don't care. I found out around eleven or so too."

"I am _not _eleven -"

I patted his head. I liked ruffling little kids' hair. It's fun. "Oh, my dear little … uh …" Crap, what was his name again? "… Seaworld. You have much to learn."

"It's Sea_land _not Sea_world_."

"Sure, it is." I kept patting his head. "Suuuure, it is, little buddy."

He pushed my hand away. "Can you _please_ just tell me where babies come from?"

"Hmm. How about I tell you where _you _came from?"

"That's just as good! Please, sir!"

Aww! His voice was so cute when he begged! How could I resist?

"Okay, but only on one condition," I said. "After I tell you, you gotta go tell England that you found out."

"Of course!" said Sea_land. _There. NAILED IT. "I can't wait to rub it in his jerk face!"

"And you gotta tell him everything I say. In excruciating detail. Just don't tell him it was me who said it."

"Right-o!"

"Oh, and you also gotta say to me 'ello govnuh!"

"'ello govnuh!" he repeated.

HEHEHE! I just loved that voice! Why couldn't England's voice be that adorable?

"Okay, listen up," I told him, pretending to be serious. "I will share what happened on that magical night, and how you came to be."

"Oh boy!" he said excitedly.

"It was a dark and stormy night," I started, faking a narrator type voice. "During World War 2. Which was the sequel to World War 1. And like all sequels, it was worse than the first."

Sealand looked so eager to hear my story. He sat there, eyes wide and glistening like *o*

"England was roped into this very hard war," I continued. "And despite Germany bombing the crap out of him, he still fought very hard. It was hard times. He worked hard in the trenches with his soldiers. Through hard days and hard nights, he fought so hard, no matter how hard it got out there in the battlefields. True story."

"Umm …" said Sealand. "Is there a reason you keep saying 'hard'?"

"…"

"… sir?"

"Shut up and listen to the story."

"Oh, right-o! Sorry! Please continue!"

Anything for that cute voice, kid. Hehe. It still amused me.

"One day, after a particularly hard day on the battlefield, England retreated back to his bunk. Now, I just want to point out that even though England fought with his soldiers, he always insisted on having his own bunk. A private one, all to himself. No one else was allowed in his tent without his permission. Many a time he only ate half his meal, raced out of the showers, or even out of the trenches to return to it. Only saying to them, 'I'll be in my bunk!' And if England said that and went to his bunk, you better not follow, or you got … like flogged, or something. True story."

"But why?"

"Well, you see, Christopher Robin, England is a pervert. He much enjoyed his fapping time. _Times. _Plural - because he did it every day, multiple times a day. And definitely every night before he went to bed."

"What is … fapping?"

"I believe on your planet it is called 'wanking.'"

"What is wanking?"

Hmm. I forgot this was a child I was speaking to. Oh, well! He was gonna learn one day anyway, right? Or probably one night. In the shower when he lingered just a little too long washing his junk. Or accidentally flipping through the TV and finding softcore porn. Or riding a horse, which is how _I_ figured it out.

"It's where you touch yourself," I said. "And if feels really, really good. Oh, and by 'yourself' I mean your penis."

"My goodness!" exclaimed Sealand.

"I know, right? So that day, it was just like a really hard day, and England wanted nothing more than to get back to his bunk and jerk it all night long. But he was in for a special surprise that particular night, because the second he stepped into his tent, he was greeted by his imag- er, _magical _friends."

"I know them!" said Seaworld. "He tells me about those fairies and a unicorn and others to me all the time! They went with him to war?"

"England takes them everywhere. Now back to the story. As soon as he walked into the tent, his favorite fairy stopped him. His favorite fairy looks like a green Pikachu with wings and is known as Flying Mint Bunny, just so you know."

"I feel enlightened!"

"And so Flying Mint Bunny points at England, who freezes in his tracks. Before England realizes what is happening, Flying Mint Bunny commands, 'You're getting it good tonight! Bend over, bitch!' … And England is confused but not for long. He happily jumps on his cot and gets on all fours, because he is a pervert. True story."

"Perhaps I should be taking notes on this!" said Sealand.

"Oh, trust me. This will be forever burned into your memory. Now where were we? Oh yeah, England on all fours asking for it. Oh shit. Wait. Back up. I forgot to include the angel part."

"Angels?" Sealand's eyes sparkled. "Oh, I just knew babies came from angels! They make them up in heaven with God, right? Since God created all of us in His image?"

"HAHAHAHA! … stop bullshitting me boy, and pay attention."

"But that's what England told me!"

"Yeah, and he also told you babies come from storks and fairies exist and soccer is a real sport! Now who are you gonna believe?"

He lowered his head. "You, I suppose …"

"Good. No, I meant that England is a kinky freak and liked to play dress-up in an angel costume. He doesn't wear underwear underneath so it's easy access for fapping time. True story."

"That seems so blasphemous!"

"Look, kid, stop using big words and listen to the story. So there England was, in his angel costume, calling himself Britannia Angel or some crap."

"But why would he wear that on the battlefield?" asked Sealand.

"Umm … he didn't. He changed into it."

"But you said Flying Mint Bunny commanded him to bend over, bitch right when he walked into the tent."

"…"

"It doesn't make sense."

"… you questioning my story, kid? Because we can take this outside." Don't tell him we were already outside, you guys.

"Oh, no! Sorry! I just wanna know what happened."

"Okay then! So there was England, bent over, assuming the position, on his cot. In his angel costume. All his fairies were there. Flying Mint Bunny, the ones that looked like pixies, and those weird ones that look like little flying smoky orbs. I dunno what the heck those are but they were there too. They all were, and were surrounding him, rubbing themselves all over him. The pixie fairies were fluttering their wings over him, pulling up his skirt dress toga thing. The smoky ball fairies were undressing him too, and making like this haze, because I guess they get even more smoky when they're horny. And Flying Mint Bunny was taking the lead. He was watching, waiting excitedly, as the fairies warmed him up, got him aroused, all hot and bothered as they surrounded and touched and rubbed him. And they hiked up his skirt, exposing England's bare ass, right in front of Flying Mint Bunny. True story."

It was all I could do not to LOL all over the place. I mean, can you believe I just said all that? ! About England? ! I don't know how I kept a straight face. Seriously.

"Flying Mint Bunny was very excited to see his naked ass," I continued, LOLing on the inside. "As soon as he saw it, he couldn't keep his little fairy paws off of it. He rubbed those firm cheeks with his green, furry paws. He caressed, massaged, taking in the awe that was Britannia Arse. Then he gave a firm SMACK! Right on England's ass cheek."

"This is a weird story …" said Sealand, looking very uncomfortable.

PFFFFT! I almost lost it then. Good thing I'm a good actor. "It's _your _weird story, kid. Now pay attention. This is a _happy _story. Because England loved being smacked on the ass. In fact, he was loving all of this. It didn't take no time at all for him to get hard. He had a boner as soon as those fairies were rubbing all over him. He was already moaning, actually. Them touching literally every part of his body because they're magic like that, his neck, his chest, his nipples, his thighs, yes even his dick through his dress thing. Grinding with their spooky fairy powers and fluttering their wings on sensitive skin. Of course he was gonna love that."

You know, it's weird. I was totally making this shit up as I went. And yet, it was so easy. I don't know how I was able to come up with all of it so easily on the spot. Weird …

"And England has a little magic himself, you know," I said, barely containing myself, because this was some epic trolling, am I right? "He has a magic wand. And he was holding it during all this. That is, until, the fairies took it from him. And then he was powerless. True story."

"Oh, my! Suspense! Do go on!"

Hehehe. He was like one of the kids from Mary Poppins. That voice will never not be adorable to me!

"But England is totally into dominance play and being all helpless and crap, so it just got him even more excited. Flying Mint Bunny got a hold of the wand, and held it backwards. He held the star part in his hand, with the stick part facing England's ass. Like _right above_ England's ass. You get where I'm going with this, right?"

"Nope!" Sealand chirped.

"Flying Mint Bunny crammed the stick part into England's ass."

"Golly gee!" exclaimed Sealand. "That must have hurt!"

"No, not really. It's really thin, like a pencil, and it's not like England's never had anything else up there. Because he totally has, if you didn't get what I meant by that."

"Like what?"

"Umm." I hesitated. "Stop distracting me from my story! So anyway, there is Flying Mint Bunny, ramming England in the ass with the wand thing. And England is like 'MOAR MOAR' because that little thing is not gonna satisfy a pervert like him."

"I'm not quite following this story." Sealand said that. "But whatever could satisfy him?"

"I'm glad you asked, kid. Even though I was gonna tell you anyway. For you see, there was nothing good to use in that tent. Nothing even vaguely phallic. There were no dildos at war, you see. Because of the rations. Dildo rations. True story."

"Oh no!" cried Sealand like this was an actual problem. "What happened next?"

Wow, this kid really couldn't tell I was making this up as I went! He was really eating this shit up! This is gonna be the best trolling EVAR.

"Well, my dear Tiny Tim like friend, Flying Mint Bunny is very smart. Smarter than England, and you, and even me. He is a genius. And that is why he came up with the -" I paused to snicker, because this was hilarious to me - "_grea_t idea to pull out the wand and flip it around."

"But … doesn't the other end have a star on it?"

"Yes. Very yes."

"Golly gosh!"

"It's a five pointed star, like the little mascot from Hardee's. Or Carl's Junior, if you're on the West Coast. True story."

People never talk about that star, do they? He just gets overlooked. Like that oven mitt from Arby's. No one seems to care much about him either. Everybody loves Ronald McDonald and the ginger girl from Wendy's, but there's no love for Hardee's star or Arby's oven mitt! Hey, you know who Arby's oven mitt kinda looks like? Hamburger Helper glove. They should totally be friends, am I right?

But back to my story. About another story.

"So Flying Mint Bunny puts the end of the star up England's ass," I continued, barely keeping a straight face. "But only the first point, the top one I mean, fits inside."

Sealand was squirming in his seat. "That most definitely sounds painful!"

"Not to England. He still wasn't satisfied."

Sealand looked like he was afraid to ask, but did anyway. "So … what did they do?"

"Well, England wanted to put the whole thing in there, but it simply wouldn't fit. It's just math. Or physics, or something, I dunno. Flying Mint Bunny tried - oh, how he tried! He was trying his damnedest to force it in. Using all his fairy muscles, straining, pushing, trying to penetrate England, but it just wouldn't quite go in."

"Hold on," Sealand interrupted, looking confused. "But he's a fairy. Can't he just use his magic to make it fit?"

"Umm." Crap. "No, he couldn't. Because … uh … it was forbidden."

"By whom?"

"By a fairy even greater than he. He wields great magic, and should never be crossed, and his name is the Plot Hole Fairy."

"Oh, was he the one who changed England into the Britannia Angel costume earlier? !" Sealand asked excitedly.

"Uh …. suuuuuure," I said. "Anyway, England is very upset. It is the most dramatic of drama, and everybody is sad. Because if England isn't satisfied, no one is satisfied. True story."

This is the sad part of the story, but please don't cry, boys and girls!

"England is about to cry. His fairies are sad too, because it pains them to see him upset. They love England, because they are freaks too. Even the unicorn, who had been watching everything with big ol' eyes from the corner like a creeper, started to tear up. Because their night of passion was ruined."

I was expecting Sealand to be wiping away tears too, but he was just sitting there listening to me like :I

"But in their darkest hour," I continued. "A miracle happens. They are joined by someone else in that tent - someone who will save the day!"

"OH BOY!"

"He is a hero among heroes," I said. "For his name was the Lube Fairy."

"What is lube?" Sealand asked so innocently, going like this ^-^

"It is a magic substance that lets you cram things into holes better. True story."

Sealand looked … entranced. "Wooooow."

"And so, the Lube Fairy exclaimed, 'Fear not, everyone! For I have arrived! And bring to you the best of lubes, so that you can continue magic wand sodomy!' And lo … it was awesome."

Magic wand sodomy? REALLY? Did I really just say that? God, the things that were coming out of my mouth that day! I don't even know how I came up with this crap. Because … wow, 'magic wand sodomy' … sounds like a chapter out of a J.K. Rowling book. By the way, did you know her initials stand for 'Just Kidding'? Yep, she wrote all those books as a joke. She likes telling elaborate troll stories for the lulz, just like me. True story.

"So then the Lube Fairy gave FMB - that's Flying Mint Bunny's nickname, you can only call him that if you're his friend - the magic lube," I said. "Flying Mint Bunny marinated the end of the star in that stuff, and it was magical."

Sealand was on the edge of his seat. Well, the curb. Whatever. "So did it fit? !"

"Well, Flying Mint Bunny pushed. Past the first point on the star was the widest part of it, since underneath was two going in different directions. But he kept on pushing, and stretching, and England was screaming because it was tearing back there."

"Dear God!" Sealand looked sickened.

"God was nowhere near that tent, trust me. Because Flying Mint Bunny finally pushed the star in, ripping England open. He made him bleed, but it fit. It hurt England like hell, but he got it in. All the way, because Flying Mint Bunny kept pushing and got the last two points in as well. And the whole thing was completely inside him. True story."

"Oh, dear. I do believe I am going to throw up."

"Swallow it down, kid. Because the story's not over yet."

So I continued telling the next part like the awesome narrator I am:

"England was in pain, but he likes it rough, so he was finally happy. He was screaming and moaning, but it was cool, because he's a screamer anyway. He was backing himself up on that star, grinding his prostate up against it inside of him. It was like being fisted, except instead of a fist, it was a star."

Sorry, boys and girls. You guys are not gonna be able to look at the star on the top of your Christmas tree the same way ever again!

"But Flying Mint Bunny kinda sucked at moving the wand around very well," I continued. "Because his paws were so tiny. So the Lube Fairy offered his services. He took a hold of the wand, and fucked England in the ass so good with it! He did such a good job that England came from that alone. Yep, he was just like 'ooooh Lube Fairy!' and jizzed all over himself. True story."

"I am so confused!" said Sealand. "What is this I don't even …"

"Shhh! Anyway, after that, the Lube Fairy, who was very awesome, retreated into the night. For his heroic job was complete, and he was not the kind of guy to cuddle afterwards."

Sealand looked so pale! YAY! That meant I was doing it right. "I … I regret asking all of this … no wonder England said I wasn't old enough for the truth."

"BOY! I am not done."

He looked horrified. LOL. "Oh, God …"

"After this magical night," I said. "Nine months passed. England was getting fat, and it wasn't because he spent too long at the Golden Corral like I did last week but it's okay because I got a Shake Weight to help me lose the extra pounds so shut up. No, he was chubbing up because he was pregnant. With a _whole baby_. True story."

Sealand gasped. "This … this baby was me? !"

WELL JEEZ, SPOILER ALERT! Sorry, guys. Sealand ruined it :/

But I'll continue anyway.

"Yes, it was you, growing in his tummy."

"And here I thought only women could have babies!"

"Oh, you silly goose!" Pfft. I seriously almost lost it again. Controlling your laughter while trolling is hard! Professional trolls should be commended for their hard work, am I right? "That wouldn't be very fair if women could do something men couldn't, right? Guys can have them too. Look it up on the Internet if you don't believe me. It's called m-preg. True story."

"That's brilliant!" he said, still sounding so cute and Britishy. "I hope I can have some babies one day, too!"

"Haha, gross. Shut up and let me finish the story."

"Right-o!"

"So anyway, England was preggers. He knocked himself up with his own magic wand, so it was a divine miracle, like Mary and Jesus. Except England was definitely not a virgin, HAHA!"

True story.

"Oh wait. You know what? Back up," I said. "Because England got pregnant lots of times. But he aborted them. I can't remember if you were the first or last or somewhere in the middle. I think it was the middle …"

Sealand suddenly stood up. "ABORTED? !"

"Yeah. You didn't know there were other sea forts back in World War 2? Jeez, don't be so self-centered. He made others, but he got rid of them before they even had the chance to pretend to be a country like you."

This is history, you guys. I hope you're learning things. I'm like your school! Except cooler, because text books usually leave out buttsex for some reason.

So I continued my story: "But when England was pregnant with you, Seaworld, he kinda just forgot to get an m-abortion. He was busy, ya know. Had a lot of things going on. It kinda just slipped his mind."

"How could you forget being pregnant? !" exclaimed Sealand. Hehe. His voice still sounded adorable, even when all frantic like that!

I shrugged. "I dunno. He just did. I guess that's why he still drank when he was pregnant."

"WHAT? !"

You know, that could be a new hit show! 'I Forgot I Was Pregnant.' You know? Like 'I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant'? It'd be like that, except instead of morons who didn't realize they were knocked up, it'd be morons who did know and it just kinda slipped their minds. I'm sure that'd happened to somebody, somewhere, and you know it.

"So one day while England was sitting around watching Dr. Who, he felt this terrible pain, and remembered he was pregnant. He was having contractions. So he dropped trou and squeezed you out. Tiny baby Seaworld. And it was a miracle."

Sealand looked so sickened that I scooted a little bit away from him. I was afraid he might blow chunks on me. "But … where, exactly, did I come out of?"

"I think you know the answer to that."

And then he did throw up, right in the street. It was weird to hear his cute little voice make heaving sounds!

"Yep," I said. "You are a butt-baby."

"Th-that's disgusting!" he said as he wiped his mouth with his sleeve.

"You think you got it bad, imagine how poor England felt! If you thought that star did damage to his insides, it was nothing compared to birthing you. You _wrecked_ him coming out. True story."

Sealand threw up some more. Like "BLARGGHHH!"

"Poor, poor England. He was left with quite a loose and gaping asshole until he healed! He didn't get to have buttsex for quite some time."

Sealand covered his ears. "I don't want to hear this anymore!"

"Well, that's okey, because I'm just about at the end."

He removed his hands. "Oh, thank God."

"After England birthed you, he thought you were cute for a while, and kept you. Then World War 2 ended and he didn't care anymore, and your novelty had run out, so he dumped you off somewhere and everyone assumed you would be forever alone."

"But -"

"Shhhh! Grown ups are talking!" I hushed. "Then later, some British guy found you, and thought you were a pretty cool guy. So he adopted you and you guys listened to the radio together or some shit. Then he said you were a country even though you're not, and then other stuff happened, but you probably remember the rest."

"Yes!" said Sealand. "My history is very interesting! You can read about it on Wikipedia! It all started when -"

"Cool story, bro. But I'm not done!"

"Oh, sorry. Continue!"

"Anyway, AS I WAS SAYING …" Jeez, kids today and their rudeness. Am I right? "… and Sealand lived happily ever after. The end."

Sealand took a big breath. "That was a very difficult story to hear. But thank you, America, for telling me the truth. From one country to another, I sincerely appreciate your honesty."

AWW! You should have heard all that formal talk in such an adorable voice!

"Pfft," I said, cracking up. "You're welcome, dude."

"I cannot wait to tell England I found out!"

"I know, right? ! Please make sure you include all the details."

"I shall! Perhaps I will even embellish them, like a good storyteller. Do you think that would be all right?"

HAHA! "Y-yes," I said, fighting back laughter. "You should totally do that."

"Then I shall!"

Oh. My. God. You guys. This was gonna be HILARIOUS. Can you believe all that crap I just told Sealand? It is seriously the most fucked up thing I have ever thought up. This was going to be the greatest trolling ever! I wish I could see the look on England's face when Sealand repeats all this. It's going to be so funny! That'll learn him not to ignore my emails, HA!

"Oh," Sealand said suddenly. "I just thought of something I don't understand."

"What?"

"How did you know all this, America?"

I paused. Then I gave him this look. The scariest, creepiest face I could make. Because scaring kids is hilarious.

"BECAUSE _I _WAS THE LUBE FAIRY."

Sealand ran off screaming into the street, flailing his arms, and crying. He didn't come back.

/troll face/

By the way? What I just said? Untrue story.

/troll face again/

(The end!)


End file.
